miraculous*
Nothing i do lately seems to come from much intention, but rather just natural occurrences—With some being more ‘miraculous’ than others. My writing is improving, but only if I don’t put much thought into it, instead just letting things flow from the unknown. Sometimes I feel I should just fall backwards and let these natural inclinations catch me and steer the way, like with producing—Something I find quite intimidating, but on the rare occasion that I try to produce with little intention, something miraculous comes about. And by miraculous, I just mean *something I don’t believe I have within my conscious mind, or know how to access at least.
A lot of what I do feels subconscious and robot-like. The eyes I use to write this message are a 24 hour surveillance camera with no storage or capturing capabilities—Just an unending feed of actions being performed. These actions, with no internal storage, are only to be remembered through pixels of past scenes bleeding onto the next, but imagine trying to recall something you think you saw on a camera feed rather than something that personally came through you… That is how my memory seems to function. These memories mean a lot to me, and a lot of them have contained what has built me to who I am today, so they are significant, but they aren’t stored away as if they are such.
It feels like core parts of my identity are being stored in the same part of my brain that is meant to
recall if I picked up cat food when I went to the store 3 days ago.
This said, I don’t know what’s next but I have vague ideas for what I want. Some are fairly new, others have existed for years, but figuring out how to get there is the hardest part for me—Or even where to start, because once I have momentum going, sometimes I might not know where I’m headed, but I’ll be headed somewhere and that’s enough for me. At that point, it becomes easier as long as I don’t slow up by letting my thoughts intervene in a process that started without much thought. That is dangerous territory to be in, but sometimes necessary I fear. In this stage, I often start to obsess over the cohesion of whatever I’m working on—something that’s a bit silly because things are meant to be where they naturally land and so if I start on something that follows another thing, in all likelihood, there was a natural thought process that brought me from x place to y. That’s enough cohesion, in reality—And here I am acknowledging that, again.
If I know these things and are able to make sense of it with ease when I start using my fingers to type these letters, what is preventing me from accessing this understanding when I need it most? Cohesion is natural for as long as you don’t intervene with these natural processes. Or at least, that’s how it seems for me.
What do you think?
Email me at townesperson@gmail.com
Or join the Discord server and hang out https://discord.gg/gEkKwvHwfH
Published on June 24, 2025.